Fear of the sea, to at least some degree, is shared by us all. Only its seasoned explorers seem to be exempt from this. However, we can not confuse fear with respect for the greater. The sea is home to a power transcendental to our own. We have created tools powerful enough to end our and many other life’s existence on Earth, yet the moment we venture into the sea, we become aliens in an unknown world, subject to the sea’s emotions. Ranging from rage to serenity, loneliness to connectedness, the sea holds every emotion we experience, yet more magnificently. I would argue that we find ourselves on the sea far more than we physically are. We find ourselves ill despite our strength. We lose what we love no matter our grip. We climb great heights just to fall and shatter. We will feel powerless; we will be powerless. A question worthy of thought is, when the seas roar, showing the foaming fangs of its white crest, leaving us with nothing but the expectation of being swallowed, who do we look towards for help? Who will be standing at the helm of the ship, feet firmly planted, unhindered and unnerved? Who, when facing the beast that swallows us all, will smile as if seeing an old friend?
If you have read my earlier writings, you may remember that my life goal is to become someone capable of building a boat strong enough to weather any storm and large enough to bring along the ones I love. Whether or not it is a childish pipe dream, I want to be the hero my family deserves, the hero my wife trusts at her back, and the hero my children aspire to be. Everything, from career to education, if not directly aiding in that goal, is subordinate to it.
The greatest gift to someone at their lowest is an extended hand, and my essays serve as such for when others and I are alone in our battles, which happens more often than we’d wish. The strongest catalyst to the flame within a man’s soul is to remind him what he fights for. Soldiers hide pictures of their loved ones in their helmets for a reason. While I’m not yet a father or a husband, I’ve lived long enough to see fathers both destroy their families, flourish them, or run from them. I would be foolish to not attentively learn from them. So, for myself, and any who may benefit in times where the storms shroud the way forward, here are my preparatory principles to fatherhood.
- A good father must be a good husband
Our children’s destinies are built far before they are born. It takes a long time to build a home for our children, and a home is more than wood and nails. There will be times in our life when we are at our most vulnerable and weak, by sickness or failure, and a house with just furniture is absent of the warmth of life. The heart and soul of those who cared for us deeply, even at our lowest, was our true home. Thus, our children’s lives begin taking shape the moment we first lay eyes on our partners.
The most precious treasure in life is having someone you can be completely vulnerable with, weaknesses, shames, insecurities and all, yet still feel comfort and solitude. We are imperfect and always will be. Despite our social nature, the ability to form a deep, trusting, and reciprocal relationship is a skill that must be learned. We owe it to our children to demonstrate that such relationships are attainable and worthy of the arduous journey to discover and nurture them. And arduous it will definitely be, for to lay one’s cards out on the table requires immense sacrifice. Our partners,too, bear their own fears, regrets, fake faces, revealed only by the passage of time. There will be no shortage of conflict, disagreement, and so forth. It is worth noting that relationships, like business and diplomacy, are maintained and built by negotiation, not debate. It is far too easy for us to be impulsive in our words, saying what we think may win us the “fight,” but in truth, there is no winning against the one who shares our life, our burdens, and our love. A defeat for them is a defeat for us. There are also many cases where negotiations or “fights” that need to happen don’t. A problem swept under the rug seeps through the floorboards, undermining the foundation of any relationship. We may consider small annoyances to not be worth the trouble, but the weight of many small annoyances can not be underestimated. We benefit from honesty only when it is spoken.
Our increasing abundance in mate choice has lowered our patience for weakness. Yet, to honor our partner’s strength in spite of their weakness fosters a trust we are often deprived of. Respect their resilience, or they will not be inclined to do the same. You wouldn’t marry someone who you don’t think could bear the weight of your own history. We all fall on life’s trail, but we make it much further through its beauty and adventure when there is someone there to catch us before we fall. Like in all deep and secure relationships, all you should expect in return for your care for one another is gratitude. A pirate does not sail without treasure in mind. An expression of happiness, contentment, or laughter should be the treasure you sail the seas for. Nothing more, nothing less.
I’ve had the opportunity of witnessing many who’ve had these relationships over the years. There are numerous tricks we can employ to deepen the trust and intimacy with our partners: revealing our own vulnerabilities, indulging in their passions and hobbies, or showing strong attentiveness to what weigh on their hearts. There are many particular gifts and gabs we can try, some which aren’t suited for our relationship, but only by trying will we find the ones that are. There is wisdom in never giving up on the person we’ve made the greatest promise of our life to.
Ultimately, if we want to find, keep, or aid in the creation of an admirable partner, we need to become an impressive and admirable person. These rules, among the sparse lessons in my prior writings, whether successful or not, will lead to a defined and honest version of ourselves. For this, our friends, family, spouse, and children will be eternally grateful.
- Our children’s lives are not our own
Like we know from our parent’s experiences, nothing can begin to explain the shifting landscape of our youth’s worlds. Every generation, the plagues of mankind adorn a new costume. We don’t learn the rhythm of the waves unless we ride them, so depriving us of struggle equally deprives us of expertise, competence, and reliability. Our children will face obstacles as we have, and we will feel inclined through our compassion to fight their battles for them. For who wishes to see their child suffer and feel the pain of failure? However, we must remember that a bearable burden is a ostrengthening one. Allow strengthening burdens, but intervene when it becomes crushing. It is best to hone our skills in a controlled environment rather than a chaotic one. If our children can’t learn to dance on the edge of their capability, then when the world necessitates that from them, which it inevitably will, they will suffer greatly. Unfortunately, there are many fathers who believe similarly, but unwittingly become that very burden. A father should never be the burden that strengthens their child, for whose arms will they fall into when they fail? The role of a father demands tremendous responsibility: to be the foundation upon which our children stand, the shoulders upon which they ride, and the guiding hand upon their back.
We do not want the responsibilities of our failures to be inherited by our youth. They are not our second chance at a dream. After all, our dreams were never about achievement. Our goals and dreams are mere seductive fantasy, beckoning us one step forward when the burden of life would otherwise leave us immobilized. There is no kindness in forcing a dream upon others. Can we rightfully punish someone for a cause they do not embrace? In all cases, coerced suffering is accompanied by voluntary resentment. A gun to the temple can make us act, but never believe. We may not agree with our children’s dreams, but we must remember dreams get us up in the morning, despite the dread that may lay forward. We contend with life’s greatest obstacles because a dream lies behind it. Even if for the wrong reason, something needs to spark the first step on life’s journey. When I was in my youth, I had plenty of unrealistic dreams. As expected, these dreams developed as I and the ever changing environment around me did.
It is very important to dispel the notion that parents are the singular cause of what kind of person their child grows up to be. While this may be true from a genetic perspective, our children are equally as affected by their peers, and should be. As damning as that may feel for a parent, there is no better way of preparing for mankind’s next chapter than by familiarizing yourself with the people that will write it. It is much better for our children to be desired and admired by peers, even if it means partaking in silly trends and fads. Were our child to embody the sophistication and mannerisms of an adult, their peers would find them peculiar. The zebra that strays farthest from the herd is the one most vulnerable to predation, a truth present in all social life. We are just as much prey to our fellow man as we are to the elements of nature.
No one can ever be fully ready to become a parent. It’s naive to lose our humility when granted power over the course of another’s life, because we never truly have that power. With this in mind, we need to be very attentive to the results of our parenting. Children serve as incredibly efficient feedback mechanisms if you pay close enough attention. Whether they tell the truth or lie, they behave with emotive honesty, a lack of inhibition. As impressionable as they are, it’s inevitable they will embody many of our strengths and our flaws. Even adults cloak themselves in the traits of the people they admire. What you do not like about yourself, you will not like when it’s worn by your child. And often, what you don’t like about your child, others will hate. The last thing we want to do is subject our children to interactions that involve feelings of hatred or resentment, for it will do to them what it does to us: cause unneeded and damaging hardship.
- Strive for wealth in body and mind
I used to believe I wanted to have a lasting impact on the world, to change it for the better. However, I was naive to not understand what the “world” truly was to me. If the world was as vast and expansive as it objectively is, how come I always wake up in the same spot, see the same people, drive the same roads, and work the same problems. If I truly wanted to take care of the world, I must begin with the one I know intimately. After all, I will be able to personally see the results of my actions. If there’s anything life is good at, it’s teaching me I still have a long and effortful path to becoming the man I aspire to be. I would be foolish to admit I’m not burdened by flaws. Since I can remember, I have failed, time and time again. I don’t believe anyone else is any different. After all, the person we want to become changes alongside our triumphs and failures, for there is no better goal than to become better than we were yesterday. Our failures grant us wisdom, and our wisdom grants us an illuminated path forward. I suspect the mantle of fatherhood will be no different.
Through venturing into the depths of others struggles, a truth emerges: the most impoverished have just as much laughter and pain as the wealthy. After all, we are all the same species, built to adapt and homogenize with our environments. It is the same reason a privileged youth can feel the exact same dread when being told to pay their own bills as an impoverished single mother would feel upon being notified she has to vacate the only home that keeps her children safe. We all seemed to be plagued by the world we live in, destined to watch the floods of storms come our way with nothing but our steadfast will to keep us afloat. So, what can we possess—hopefully in abundance—to keep us from being swept away?
Wealth, to me, is a rather controversial term. As I’ve aged, the meaning of the word has deepened. The world is more than capable of stripping us of all but the very flesh that clothes our bones, so who among us can claim true wealth? I have come to find that a stark naivety rests in the definition of wealth as financial or materialistic. It’s worth questioning why we focus on how much we have outside of ourselves, yet neglect the treasures within. Perhaps it’s too hard to measure. Nonetheless, the only wealth I’ve ever found to be invaluable is the part of me that is left after everything is taken. When stripped bare, what remains is the fortitude of our minds, the vitality of our bodies, and the love we have for others.
- Train your mind like one would train their body
I must confess that these rules do not reflect the man I currently am, but the one I wish to be. The seeds of wisdom rest hidden within the grounds of our mental landscape, planted by our experiences, patiently waiting to be unearthed through careful cultivation. To bear sufficient crop, one must labor upon the land; to protect the crop, one must explore the surrounding land. It’s worth knowing what the seeds of our past have grown to become, for if neglected, some may entwine themselves around our throats, perhaps around the limbs of the people we love.
No matter where you go in life, this land of yours follows. No environment is more important to brave and explore than the realm within yourself. Unlike the ocean and stars, there is none but you who can explore the beauty and terror that exists within your mental landscape. What will become of you if you can’t confront the dangers within your own land? What will become of the people who rely on you? Within this mental landscape, there exists many versions of yourself: the fearful, the vindictive, the lazy. You wouldn’t want to live intimately or share your bed with strangers, so meet and know the elements that make you who you are, not as enemies, but as friends. Enemies are not predetermined by fate; they are born from our inability to reconcile conflicting interests. No matter how great of an enemy someone is, if placed next to them in a boat lost at sea, both will wish to see land. The same goes for the multitudinous elements of our psyche.
The best pilot knows every button in the cockpit. The best carpenter masterfully wields everything in their toolbelt. Similarly, the best version of yourself is the seasoned explorer of your mental environment; its mountains and valleys, shallows and depths. All have something within it worth fearing, yet worth conquering. I find myself believing more and more that we are better off interacting with the world within our minds just as much as the world outside of it. With our diverse and expansive media, we can easily place ourselves in the shallows of other’s minds, yet never venture into the depths of our own. The mind is truly powerful, and if left uncontrolled and unprotected, can bring us great agony. No matter how prosperous a city is, without the proper care and protection, it will crumble under the overwhelming weight of the unknown.
- The body is the mind’s fortification, so treat it as such.
Like a Phoenix, to undergo rebirth, to change into something greater, you must valiantly burn in agony. You do not learn unless proven of your naivety. You do not strengthen without being subject to burden. Attentive and intentional struggle is the only path to capability. Our evolution has shaped us to climb, run, lift, and carry. Yet, our wealth in resources has degraded our wealth in necessary mobility. All life evolves towards energy efficiency, so this is to be expected. However, I can’t logically disregard what current medical literature intimates: Our body is a defense as much as it is an offense. By depriving our body of what it was built to enact, we are depriving it of protection. Just as unused neurons die, unused muscles atrophy. No matter the potency of faith in God, a temple will soon collapse if not built and maintained with physical effort. As every civilization’s wisdom literature paraphrases, what houses the spirit is equally as important as the spirit itself. Where our body lacks defense, our minds become the sole bearer of weight. There is simplicity in creating this defense: appropriate food consumption and strenuous physical effort. However, its difficulty is underestimated. It took me around 5-6 years of intermittent attempts to make exercise a regular occurrence before it finally became a daily habit. Like all accomplishments, it requires continual failures.
There is also an allure to being strong, not just for our mentality, but for others. There will be a time when our parents stand up by themselves for the last time. What will it say of our character, after decades of being lifted by them after we’ve fallen, if we can not do the same for them? How long will we be able to fly our kids across the yard, carry them when they are tired, or race them to the car? Perhaps more relevant to the first rule, why not feel strongly compelled to maintain or increase physical attractiveness for our partners. After all, it is immature to expect this of them if we are not willing to do the same.
Power, strength, and capability is not a goal to be ashamed of, for it is the wall between everything you love and everything that can destroy it. A mountain is unhindered by the strongest winds, grants people a worthy but alluring challenge to climb, and awards them with heights and views that are unimaginable. We should make great effort to climb the arduous mountain of strength and capability, because one day, a burden, whether physical or mental, will befall ourselves or the people we love. Overcoming such a challenge depends not just on the strength of our psyche, but of our body as well. The technique in wielding a sword is limited by the strength of the sword and the expertise of its blacksmith. The musical expression of musicians is entirely limited by their technical ability. You can only accomplish what you can enact. By ignoring the part of you that enacts, you hinder what your mind could otherwise achieve. How painful and regretful, to encounter a state where the spirit is willing, but the flesh is incapable.
- A hero bears weight, not casts it
The hero typically does not start the journey until the dragon burns his village to the ground. After a triumphant journey of struggle and sharpening, the hero returns with the stolen riches and head of the dragon. A hero, then, he becomes. We all want to be a hero, admired and looked up to by others for our struggles and triumphs. By following this hero’s story, we may find it compelling to find a dragon and sever its head, naively hoping it brings others to feel for us what we felt for our heroes. However, where humans vary in their temperament, compassion, and violence, so do other life. For every celebrated hero that slayed an evil dragon, 100 harmless ones are slain, all so that the same story that was written about our heroes can be written about ourselves.
What shall we do then, with the strength we seek and attain? Hero stories have long since guided us in the use of our strength, and as our environment becomes evermore our own creation, the dragons have become our brothers and sisters. Therefore, the many of us who are strong, if left to mere impulse and lacking inhibition, use strength to attain, typically at others expense. Who then, if we orient ourselves in reflection of, will lead most humans into a world they hope their children will see. Fortunately, we’ve had many lives before us with this same quandary. Oddly enough, no matter the distance between, civilizations have found quite similar heroes to serve their purpose. Whether it be Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, Krishna, Moses, Abraham, Confucius, and so on, all are those who would tame a dragon rather than slay it, give rather than take, and shoulder any weight rather than bear witness to it crushing another. As they teach and embody, a hero strives to be good in a body and mind that most certainly isn’t. They attain strength, not to stand above others, but to stand below, for they can bear the weight of all above them. The weight of mankind’s flaws, if not shouldered by the strong, will fall onto the weak.
Sometimes I find myself hoping the worst falls on me, hoping that I become, or was unknowingly, a victim of misfortune. Then, I will have an answer for my failures and insufficiencies. Then, I will have a fair explanation for the distance I am from the man I could have been if I had grown the hell up a long time ago. Why blame myself now when I can wait for something else to come along and serve as a replacement for the blame. Thankfully, I am granted the wisdom of all who’ve lived before me. By recognizing myself as prey to the world, I ultimately become it.
A lot of what motivates me is the wife and kids I’ve yet to have. There is an element of loneliness to building a home and watching as it stays empty. Perhaps the paint is dirty, the yard unkempt, or worse, the very foundation crooked. This is normal, for as long as we tend to our garden, it will eventually flourish. Ask any gardener how their first year went, and you could receive a novel on its failures. Fathers must adopt the role of building a home, not once it is necessary, but far before. We must treat the responsibility of fatherhood as if the entire world is on our shoulders, for the home we create will be our children’s entire world for some time; enough time for our failures and willful ignorance to leave its mark. A father is often their child’s first hero, and we are obligated to think deeply about what that means and how we can best be that hero.
- Respect the capability of time
Time always seems to give the most elusive answers to our questions. Why is this happening? What do I do here? Where do I go next? Behaving with impulsivity and uninhibited honesty starts from birth. It is often a gift, but if we wish to act correctly in the face of more complex problems—in a manner best for ourselves and the people we love—we must first unfurl the pages of time and peruse every line as if it were a clue from God. To be patient, one must wrestle with time. If we can’t wrestle with time, it will consume what we love. If properly contended with, time will also illustrate the way forward, bring new loved ones, or even grant you what seemed unobtainable. The genius of religiosity, to know time as a father. Who’s hand is more comforting to hold in the darkness than our fathers? Would we have ever dared descend the hill on our first bike ride were it not for the steadying touch of our father’s hands on our back?
As I’ve grown older, I’ve found nothing more endless, all encompassing, and powerful than time. It is this reason I equate it with God when speaking to the more secular-minded. Wisdom literature is a fascinating example of our heuristic to personify time to better understand it. After all, time has a personality. Time prefers to bring a tossed ball to the ground. It values growth over stagnation. Most encompassing, it decays that which isn’t maintained, necessitating constant action to preserve what you desire, whether it be family and friends, career, house, and so forth. Time has shown my efforts to be both fruitful and futile. It has shown me my strengths and weaknesses. It has laid bare my worth and insignificance to others. Regardless of circumstance, it has consistently illuminated the next steps toward competence and capability, that is, if I watch attentively. Watch the world as a student, and it will become our wisest mentor. Whether we truly learn from it seems to be an inevitable struggle of the human condition.
The best way of eliciting action is to have an endearing and present goal that necessitates it. It is this reason I have created these guidelines for myself. However, I suspect time has played with these guidelines in a way only my future self will know. Perhaps some of these rules stem from current selfish desires. Perhaps they are ignorant of fundamental truths I have yet to seek. Thus, a new obstacle comes to light. As I age, will my amendments to these rules be governed by impulsivity or newfound wisdom? I can only hope it is the latter, and that the creation of these guidelines also followed the same principle.
To Conclude
Our children are setting sail in a perilous world for the first time. To us, it’s a morning routine. To our children, the waves are roaring, the wind is howling, and the boat is screeching. Life is a considerable challenger, but we are worthy opponents. After all, we wouldn’t still be here if we weren’t. Because of this, whether we are a father to our children or a father to a business, we mustn’t let ourselves become willfully blind of our insufficiencies. In the end, we have far to go to become what our world needs the most from us. Luckily, we have the gift of humanity, the gift of transcending obstacles greater than any other species ever could; the capability to make today’s self a pathetic caricature of what our future self will become.
I feel it helpful to deeply ponder over what kind of person you wish to become, else your behavior will impulsively and randomly select one. We only climb as high as we aim. I feel most of us would be better off if who we want to be for ourselves, friends, and family, was plastered over our eyesight. Like a tattoo, to eternally demarcate a goal, a memory, or a lesson to abide by. Like an athletic physique, perhaps, where no matter what part of myself I look at, I am reminded that strength comes through persistent and effortful struggle. A reminder that though many storms are headed my way, the effort I put into sailing rough waters has tempered my mind and body, and that the precious cargo I’d give my life to keep afloat will glue my feet to the helm of the ship, ready to sail through any raging storm that comes my way.
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