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7/28/20 – Better Depths

by | Apr 30, 2021 | Difficult Writings, Introspection | 1 comment

Audio Version

Given the capability of humans to climb out of the abyss, so is their proclivity to fall to its depths when peacefully wondering the pastures. It is as dichotomous as the world shows itself to be. It is of my nature, as is others, to stand at my tallest when the world presses upon my shoulders. So then, is it equally within my nature to fall into hell when I am without burden? Our muscles strengthen with resistance, as should our psyche. I’ve come to accept that a calm, serene mind is a dying one, despite it feeling the opposite. Is it fair, that when having attained serenity, my mind—if not, then the world—will flail about the waters to create the slightest semblance of chaos? The millions of years put into my creation deems the best version of me is the one destined to suffer, yet suffer voluntarily and admirably. 

How profound religious literature is, to know that to walk with God, one must walk on a bed of hot coals. Foolish are those who repudiate the “opiate of the masses.” According to a majority of religious literature, the good part only comes after we choose to suffer heroically until death. I was not invited to this trip, but at least I am capable enough to ride the waves if I so choose not to drown. How clever, life is, to make my choice to drown cause a tsunami for those in my vicinity. 

Life also found it reasonable to supply me with the desire to not only stand amongst the rough waters, but to reach in its depths and extricate those who have nearly forgotten how it felt to breathe. I truly believe this desire is universal, insofar as who we deem truly human. Once we deem someone subhuman, that desire disappears entirely. Even worse, it is replaced with our archaic animalistic propensities, which, to be scientifically concurrent, is best put as impulsive and combative. Oh how I long for eternal serenity and happiness in life, but what is necessary is always the furthest away from what is desired. 

It is without question that for most of my earlier years and arguably to this very day and onward, I would be held head above water by the kindness of others. So, I suppose, it is my moral obligation, responsibility, and also my desire, to venture deep into the realm of human suffering until calloused beyond recognition. Then, and only then, may I carry those I love across the impassable bed of coals that lay before them. However, of what obligation do I owe concerning the parts of me that I had to mold from the dirt I lay face down in? That is a difficult but vital question, as there are many who have been nothing but beaten by fate and left to their own devices. 

The world has quite the proclivity to cause suffering in ways we all so diversely experience. A notable characteristic of this suffering is the indoctrination of its victims into becoming the very chess piece the world uses to cause its suffering. Vengeance, be as it may, or more dangerously put, justice. There seems to be at least one rule that life makes painfully clear, but is far too difficult to instill in our behavior: Cause one to involuntarily suffer, and so will you. Choose to suffer, and so will others. There are only two choices, so pick wisely. I have chosen mine, but I will warn you: The latter is hard, painful, somewhat lonely, and will leave you utterly broken at times, yet masterful at repair. The former will strip you of individuality, and you will become a soulless soldier for the unknown forces the world employs to do what it does best, cause suffering. 

I, like any other human, can be the greatest monster, but I can also be the greatest savior. I fear that the monsters believe themselves to be the saviors, while the saviors are those who save the monsters within themselves. That, to me, seems to be the only way we can truly become the heroes we so admire. I may never succeed, but at least I can be assured that I won’t lose myself to the monster within me, and becoming a monster is what should terrify us the most. So, in my journey to become competent, capable, and reliable, I have to walk steadfastly forward knowing full well there is an abyss in wait. When I inevitably stumble into its depths, I can only leave once on the brink of madness. I must explore its depths to my fullest. Soon, I will know the abyss like the back of my hand, and at that point, as long as I extend a loving hand, all that are lost will soon be found. I could live no greater life.

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